it's these times where we find reminders from a past tense self scattered all around us like hazard lights; awaking in the pre dawn shitfuckery like blind bats groping searching for hydration. it's these times we say fuckit if i don't find water i'll dehydrate and die, but on the other hand-- sleep. these times are when we awaken again several hours later, (with the worst pasties imaginable.) only to realize that the event horizon of work is approaching at a fast undeniable pace of seconds, minutes, hours- slipping away into an oblivoin of moments. in these moments where the panic surges like bile catching in my throat; a desparate person seeking any means to stop this trudging along to time's tune. in these moments i show humans to be absolutely falliable; and capable of stupendous stupidity. but nae this morn, nae no. i simply stop and picked up a reminder from a past tense self; it told me-

objects right infront of you may not be what they appear; never fear.

with this in my mind i left all doubt behind. so tired, but somewhere there lies that resevoir, something not to be tapped into wantonly wastingly lavishing upon all sorts of escapades, but there is a well deep within i drink it in and feel the peace calm flood not like the savage blood flood that rides the high seas inthe scribal mind fully blind; but a dram a draught of inner peace at least i like to believe it makes my brain feel less like a sieve. we can holdit together, through any nasty sort of weather, psychic storms be damned! we can stay awake and our thirst slake and minds bake; that all just gravy in the give and take. but alas poor lass must face the truth, nae mind bake today with work in line just aft lunch time. just tap that resevoir, awaken yourself fully, eat something, bundle up, be aware not to stare.

breathe, lifes not so bad.
Breathe, we will get to leave.
breathe, it's only a lad.
Breathe, your soul he will nae thieve.
breathe, sokay to like him just a tad.
Breathe, winter's almost ready to heave.

i find myself more often than not trying to explain what i'm saying to people. infact i just found out that most of work thought i was foreign because of my funny "accent" that's no accent that's just straight up inability to speak english properly. not saying that i couldn't do it once upon a time, but now; htere's at least three other languages jumbled in there, a multitude of jargons and made upon dialects from books and movies. i don't do this intentionally, i just organized my brain as such and somethings aren't even filed in english anymore; they're just filed in crackerjabber; which is actually more intelligent that english ever dreamt of being; if your brain is sideways thinking compatible. most people only posses the forward thinking thought; which is noice and prehensily straight forward; but forward thinking isn't compatible to sideways thought.

i awaken today with a sense of it all falling away, or perhaps that's just me- falling away from it all. which ever fell away from the other i can't discern at the moment; but i know this; freedom from it all is sweet; detached and disembark from imagined reality; this is a new door opened, another option discovered, or recovered, whichever. life is good; life rambles on.
if this made any sense i'm happy if not, fuck ti, i know what it means; and in a few months, you too can be one of the enlightened few.
i bid thee adieu
Scribe
fuckit fuckit fuckit. i won't say all for nothing raven i won't say it; but i'm damned close.